Vesting Schedule

Hi, it's me.

Welcome to the all-hands.

Please keep your cameras on.

We're a family.

Look at him in his vest, he's a titan of the cloud

Four hundred dollar fleece to say I'm not like the crowd

Cold plunge at five a.m., he's posting by six

Your whole company's a calendar app with a blockchain fix

You pivoted to crypto, then to AI, then stealth

Which means you're unemployed and living off your parents' wealth

Disrupted the bagel, now it's a monthly plan

Your pitch deck says 10x, your user count says one man

Oh, I'm vesting, I'm vesting, I'm vesting in four years

Gonna own a little piece of this, the future's almost here

There's a cliff, but it's a view, and the view is really nice

They said we're family, so I'll pay the family price

You call it radical candor when you're just being mean

You call it founder mode when you're nitpicking a screen

You said we were a family, then cut us by a third

Family doesn't fire you with a calendar invite, third-hand

Not me, though, I'm great, I've got unlimited PTO

Haven't used a day since twenty-twenty-two, you know

My options have a strike price that I couldn't afford to buy

So technically I own it, and technically that's why I'm fine

Oh, I'm vesting, I'm vesting, my percentage hit a low

They said it's called dilution, and I said oh, cool, I know

There's a cliff, but it's a view, and the view is mostly sky

And I'm sure the next round's coming, so there's no need to cry

I'm fine. (I'm fine.)

They gave me a hoodie for my birthday.

It's my fourth one.

It has the logo on it.

It doesn't have my name.

But that's growth.

Oh, I'm vesting, I'm vesting, I own point-oh-oh-oh-three

Of a thing I built with my whole life, and it's still not free

There's a cliff, and I'm still climbing, and the view is so, so clear

Oh, I'm vesting, I'm vesting, I'm vesting in four years

Thanks for attending.

This could have been an email.